Apple Cider Compote

Nothing feels more like fall to me than the smells and flavors of apples and spices. I use this compote for a filling in my cupcakes, topping for pancakes and an add in for my bread pudding. My apples had
lost their crispness, and some flavor; they were going unappreciated on my counter. Knowing I did not want to waste them, compote was the perfect solution to my bread pudding/hard loaf of french bread predicament.
I took 3 apples, peeled and diced and put in a saucepan. I added about 1/4 c. apple cider instant mix. I have a Smart and Final that sells it in bulk, not in packets. Since I use it for my baking, this is just right.

I added a little bit of water to this to simmer, maybe 1/2 c. Apples were cooked until they softened up. I added an instant thickener that I also use a lot, Ultra Gel. It is a modified food starch, and can be used hot or cold. I would highly recommend you ordering it because it is so easy, and lets you keep a very fresh flavor to things. If I wanted this apple cider compote to be more of a topping, I would add some apple juice to increase the volume and add the Ultra Gel to it to bring it to the right consistency.

It can be bought here: http://www.carnetfoods.com

The "recipie"

Anyone who asks me how I make something is never easy to answer. For me, it's a little of this, a little of that. When I was starting out in cooking, I was more by the book, till I gained experience and knowledge, and my tastes developed.
Knowing how to cook is part knowledge, part inventor. You take a recipe as a guide, as well as the practical, what do I have on hand. I hate complicated, fussy recipes where you have to have very specific ingredients, and are expensive, often not things you will use or reuse often. I also had to consider the number of mouths I need to feed. I had to up nearly all recipes to feed the mouths in my house. I am used to cooking for a gang; usually 10 mouths in all, and more if a friend was hanging around. Now that we are down to 3 or 4, downsizing the quantity is more of a challenge, and leftovers need are frozen or given a makeover. But I digress, the challenges of ADD and age...this is why I don't blog often.

Bread Pudding with Vanilla Custard Sauce

• 4 large eggs, lightly beaten 
• 3/4 cups sugar 
• 2 tablespoons light brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg  *you can vary spices according to your flavor combo, cinnamon, etc. If I am making a apple compote for example I use a lot of the "sista spices":nutmeg, clove, allspice, cinnamon, so then I don't add much spice to the milk/egg base.
• 1/4 cup butter, melted 
• 2 3/4 cups whipping cream * This last time, I used a can of evaporated milk, flavored coffee creamer, and a touch of cream, sometimes, it is half and half and sometimes milk. I use what I have.
• 4 cups cubed French bread * I sometimes use croissants. I never measure cups of bread, I just use what I have and adjust the rest.
• optional mix ins: cream cheese cut into pieces, chocolate chips, or berries, apples diced, or nuts. Sprinkle with cinnamon & sugar or raw sugar on top for a little crunch and sweetness.
• top with Vanilla Sauce; for variations I use a caramel sauce, berry sauce, buttermilk syrup etc. 

Preparation

1. Combine wet ingredients, and cut bread into pieces. Lightly butter a baking dish, usually a 9x13 is adequate. Put bread into dish first. Pour batter over bread, and pressing lightly to coat and soak the pieces. Add your mix ins, over and tuck into the crevices and crannies of the bread. Top with a sprinkle of cinnamon/sugar, or raw sugar. Cover with foil.
2. I like to chill this overnight to allow it all to soak together, and I love not having to make anything in the morning.
3. Bake at 350 for 45 to 55 minutes, covered with aluminum foil and uncover the last 15 minutes so the top can get a little crunch to it. It will rise up and get somewhat puffy.  Sometimes it needs a few more minutes of baking. You can see if the egg batter is still liquid or lose. This usually happens if I have added more egg/milk to it, so it just takes a little longer to bake. You can poke a few holes with a knife to create open air spaces to cook faster. Just don' t let the top get too brown, you want it gently crisp. Serve warm with Vanilla Sauce. 

For vanilla custard sauce:

1/2 cup sugar 

3 tablespoons light brown sugar

1 tablespoon all-purpose flour 

1 large egg

 2 tablespoons butter 

1 1/4 cups light cream *This is also a combo use milk here too, and flavored coffee creamers that will transform your sauce to another level. There are so many options, my favorite is hazelnut, but there is also white chocolate and raspberry, creme brulee, caramel...

1 tablespoon vanilla extract 

Whisk all the ingredients in a heavy saucepan; except vanilla. Cook over medium heat, whisking constantly, 10 to 12 minutes or until thickened. Remove from heat; stir in vanilla.  When ready to serve drizzle sauce over each serving of bread pudding.

Two Words... Bread Pudding...

No dish for me has greater power, pulls from me the longing for comfort and delivers. I love the simplicity, the heritage it has, the variety it offers; sweet or savory. It stems from a cooks desire to not waste bread. It is the essence of frugality, taking bits of things one might not have much use for, soon to be tossed out and glorifies it into a spectacular dish. Rarely if ever, do I make it the same. It depends on what I have on hand. It's "recipe" is in my head, and has traveled with me in whatever country I am in, it is a go to dish that never fails to impress.
On a trip to Mexico with some friends we had picked up some yummy breads at a la panderia. The next day our bread on the counter was hard as a rock. What is that, eggs and milk in the fridge... hello my little Mexican bread pudding, I opened up all the sugar packets on hand and added Mexican Vanilla. My friend topped it off with a banana fosters caramel topping and yes, heaven was present.
When we were in Scotland on a family reunion, our last day in the manor, it was clean out the fridge day. We had fresh eggs, milk, cream, loaves of bread. I had to scour the sugar bowls for enough sugar. We had apples, so this one would be a apple compote bread pudding.
A sauce really helps to add flavor and extra moisture to it, so it might be a caramel sauce or buttermilk syrup. Lately a vanilla custard sauce, that will masquerade as a hazelnut, white chocolate raspberry sauce... You get the idea, sounds so decadent, and is crazy easy.
Usually for Christmas morning I do a version that I saw Paula Dean do using croissants. So I get a batch from Costco, this can be cut into chunks and frozen for when you are ready to use. All those great holes soak up the batter so nicely. This one I put in chocolate chips for pockets of yummy goodness. There really is no limitations, just whatever season you are in, what flavors are calling your name. For a savory version, I use cheese, onions, sausage and garlic, diced green chili's, herbs, sometimes bits of potatoes... a hardy dish for a breakfast or dinner.

Our model, Mom & Dad Clay

When Mark & I were dating, I was very scared about that our love would not last. I had never seen a good example of real and true love not just enduring but continuing to grow. Our first marriages had broken up. My parents, while still married, had settled into what looked like room mates, and not even ones that like each other most of the time. When I was younger, you could catch dad sneaking up on mom for a hug or kiss, but they were not affectionate on a regular basis. I did not want to lose what we had. We would spend time with his parents occasionally and I observed a very special bond. They would sit near each other as often as possible, hold hands, etc. You could see love still in their eyes. Mom was always looking after dad's needs. Dad was always concerned with her.

Their love has become our model, and example. My husband is a kind, and respectful husband because of them. He has treated me like a queen every day we have been together. He has taught our children to respect me.
This photo was taken about 2008. Mom died a year later. I know dad misses her a lot and can't wait to go back home to be with her.
Life has not been easy for either of them, challenges with their kids, financial setbacks, health problems, but through it all, their love survived.

Baked with Love Gallery

My efforts have cakes have come so far. I used to keep the boxed cake I made in a glass pan, frost it, put some toy or other decorative element on it and called it good.
Progression in cakes, it is now OUT of the pan!

Tiffany and I took a Michaels' Wilton Cake Decorating Course. It was a lot of fun, and the start to our really becoming creative.

It has become a family affair, all the kids getting in on it. Jordan even has helped with sculpting elements on a cake project.
This one we made for Thanksgiving when we were living in Boise, a lot of my family were coming over, so we wanted to have something celebrating all the birthdays in our families. White chocolate stars and candles.
 

This cake was a white version as well as a chocolate one.

Jessica made this groom's cake for her new brother in law, Josh. 9/10 

Rebecca & Max's wedding cake 5/10. It took Jessica and I all night. We bought the fondant, supposed to be recommended by "Duff" and Ron Ben Israel. I bought the flower topper. It tasted great, but we had TONS of cake left. I learned an important lesson though to not spend so much time if it means I will miss out on the importance of the event.

 Michelle & Jordan's wedding Cake 4/12. I learned the hard way after doing Becca's cake about the wisdom of using "dummy layers". So much wedding cake goes to waste, mainly used for the looks and one slice out during the cutting ceremony. Jon's wife, Sara, helped save the day with all the piping on it.

Kale-part 3

Life after the funeral. Our family cocooned for as long as we could. No one wanted to leave the safety of our family nest. Brian came over and stayed, building a fort with Jordan. Something they did often as kids, but the amenities have changed now that they are older.


Kale bear is standing guard.



Inside look of the "compound".


I just felt so lost and fragile. I felt brain damaged. Trying to make a decision, everything was overwhelming. Eventually, everyone went back to work and school. I was on my own to regain my "normal" life. I headed to Costco that day, and Carrie Underwood came on signing "Temporary Home." Thanks Carrie. Cannot listen to that song to this day. I just lost it, pulled into the closest parking lot I could find, and just sobbed. Finally pulled together, so I thought, went to Costco. I was wearing Kale's dog tags I think, but a woman asked me if I had a son in the military. This poor lady received a fresh breakdown in the store, sobbed and could not talk. She gave me a hug. I went to the pizza store Jess was working and just walked into her great long arms, and she hugged me tight.
The Rennaisance Festival runs from Feb to early March. This is a favorite with our girls, our family has attended when the kids were smaller. I felt so guilty to have a moment of fun, a break from the work of sorrow. Everywhere I looked a memory was there,  ones filled with when we had taken Kale there as a young boy. Him on stage with the sword swallower, riding the wooden horse on the ropes, he loved the mud theatre play.

March 3, Kale would have been 24 today. He died 17 days before reaching that. How would we commemorate this day? We brought balloons to the cemetery, brought his birthday to him.


Also in March was a trip to Mexico with some friends of ours from Washington, that Mark had met when he worked for Sleep Country. Dirk and Inna Larsen. Dirk was celebrating a 20 year career with the company, so the trip was on them. They begged us to join them. I didn't want to go, it was too soon after the funeral, but Mark convinced me it would be good to get away. I did not have a passport so next day we headed off to get that done. I hate that passport photo. I look so hurt and broken. So sad. It was a lovely time though, joining us would be Shannon and Duane, co-workers of Dirks as well. It was so beautiful in Puerta Vallarta. Without reminders every where I looked, it help to give me a break from the heavy feelings that come with sorrow. Not as if I could have a moment's reprieve from grief, but it was healing just the same. Love of family and friends. That is what helps to heal.

Shortly after the funeral, might even have been just the week after, Jessica, who has always struggled with migraines, noticed they were getting worse, and not relieved by the medications she took. She went in for a MRI scan. I was with her at her doctors appointment to review the scan when she was told she had a brain aneurysm and it would require surgery to correct this. How much more can a mother endure! Really?? Just lost my son, and now I am at risk to lose my daughter! It took some doing but by some miracle, Jessica was able to get into one of the best neurosurgeons, Dr. Spetzler at Barrows Hospital. I know this was a blessing. She would be in the best hands possible. Her surgery was schedule for 4 days after Rebecca's wedding, May 29th.
In addition to all this, we needed to travel to Ft. Carson for the military memorial that was being held their in March. They would be honoring 4 soldiers in this service; Kale, Pawell, one other that died while in Iraq, and another one who took his own life, stateside. It would be Mark and I, Jess, Becca and Meg attending as the others just could not handle more ordeal. We had to meet with the state prosecuting attorney that morning, along with the Serafins. We would finally meet, two families devastated. Pawell's family was Polish and did not speak the language well, other than brother, Rafael. He and Pawell were close brothers, born just 11 months apart. They had lost a daughter a few years earlier at the age of 16 from an illness. This poor momma has endured much. I tried to find Polish phrases I could somehow speak to her to convey my concern for her but could not. I bought a build a bear, just like mine and presented that to her.

We reviewed the state's case against Peters. There was much talk over who would take this case, the State of Colorado, or the Army. For now, the State would carry it. From there, we went to see the car, saw where our son's bodies were crushed. From there, to the crash site, the quiet and peaceful place where their spirit's left this earth.

Next, came the military service. If you have not attended one, it is gut wrenching. Bag pipes, which if to this very day, if I hear them, makes me want to scream. Then comes "roll call". Pure torture. They have two fellow soldiers from this unit stand at attention, call their names to which they respond, and then call the missing soldier. "Specialist CLAY!, Specialist KALE CLAY! SPECIALIST KALE DAREN CLAY!!!" To which of course their is silence. They did this for each of the 4 soldiers, each family just sobbing by now. Mike Blanton, Kale's battle buddy and good friend gave a beautiful eulogy for Kale. Next came a "receiving line" in which all the soldiers give their respects to the families. It was just so hard on everyone. I don't know how they get through this time and time again.



We could not have been more numb than after enduring this. One of the blessings we received were friendships made with friends of Kale's. One was Paul Blohm. He had served with Kale and Iraq. Kale's influence on Paul was pivotal he would tell us to getting through his deployment as well as seeking help in counseling, something most soldiers fear doing. Paul got a wooden cross made from a fellow soldier, and brought it to us while we were visiting with the Blanton family. We signed it, he had it varnished and then put it up near the crash site. He takes such good care of it, checking on it as often as he can. Paul is another son we add to our family.


The Blanton family is our family. Mike was Kale's battle buddy, and brother. Mike's wife Carrie, fed Kale, took him into their family. He loved their kids, taught them mischief and mayhem. He was "Uncle Buck". One of his greatest desires was to someday be a father. Breaks my heart he never got to be one. He would have been great! With the Blanton family in this photo, is Ashley. Kale was dating her at the time he got back from Iraq. He wanted a ready made family that Ashley had. They ended up breaking up a few months later though.


Kale with Jackson & Savannah Blanton

For us a blessing was the military covered most of the expenses of his burial costs. We did not have to worry about how we would bury our son.  Something others who bury their dead don't have that luxury.  Kale's life insurance made it possible for us to finally have a home of our own. We searched, and one that was just perfect fell into our laps. We say Kale brought that to us as well. So we had to quickly move in, so by wedding time we would all have a bit more room for all the extra house guests and kids coming home.

Becca's fiancé, Max was stationed at Pendleton in California. Not knowing when he could get his leaves, we had to plan their wedding over the 4 day weekend. So 3 months after we buried Kale, was their wedding, then we were going in for major surgery 4 days later with Jessica. I had mentioned Max's mom earlier post, Beth, and that she was terminal, but she still pushed herself to attend Kale's funeral with Max. They had hoped she would live to see her son married, but Beth passed  shortly before the wedding. These two poor kids, Becca and Max sure had a lot of sorrow starting their marriage. They clung tight to their love and each other.

 
Jessica and I stayed up all night working on this cake.


Now it is surgery time. Jessica, I know was pretty scared, I know we are for sure. This was a big deal. I think however, she also thought that if the worst was to happen, she would be with brother. At the time, I think she wanted this more. Jennifer, my sister, is a hair dresser so she helped to put a cute short cut for Jess, as the surgery would take some of her beautiful locks.

I made sure she recorded her voice to a chip for my build a bear collection, something I did so that I had one for each of the kids. I know how precious the sound of my child is. All 8 of my bears are lined up on a shelf in my room. Crazy bear mom.


Jess was not parting with her dog tags or hat of Kale's. They would have to remove it after they put her under. Hours later, Dr. Spetzler reports that the titanium clip they inserted will solve her aneurism problem. Now her healing begins. She looks and feels like a train wreck.



July 3rd was Mark's birthday & Jessica's 21st birthday. Her boyfriend broke up with her today, so we were trying to help ease her pains in Disneyland. It did not work. Becca and Max are happy honeymooners, this did not help.

Jordan & Brian's birthday's are both in July as well, a few days apart. For the life of me, I cannot remember how we celebrated them.
Kassy learned she was pregnant. She and Josh had plans to marry in September. Our first granddaughter! I flew out to spend time with this sweet new baby. Julianna is just perfect, born on Max's birthday, August 5th. There is nothing more healing than a precious baby to hold.

September we flew back out as a whole family, attending Kassy's wedding. Jessica and I made the cupcakes for it.




Things with court were slow in giving us progress to the case. It was a tennis match back and forth over Army/State for a long time. I wanted the Army to take the case. They go to court sooner than the State does, their sentencing was supposed to be more stringent and this was their military family. I felt Kale would best represented here. Serafins, wanted the State to take it, they trusted them more. So finally a date was set in October, for the Army, who was taking the case. I could not sleep for the weeks approaching this. Wondering how it would go, how would I feel facing Peters, which as we had gone through all of this year, feeling the pain of Kale's absence in our lives, I was feeling anger and frustration. Right before we were getting ready to leave for Colorado, we are told there would be a delay. The court martial trial would take place in January at the end of the month. I just lost it, completely broken and spent. Mentally, it was like I could only take it this far, no farther on the waiting. This meant Peters had more months free. It meant I would have to carry this heavy burden further, through the holidays. Our first without him. I shut myself in my room for 3 days, I could barely speak to anyone.
The holiday's without Kale were approaching. Thanksgiving. I have found the gathering of our family and close friends to be hard. I feel Kale's loss so profoundly during this time. One of Kale's dear friends, a brother to him really, who had grown up with Kale, a fellow partner in crime was Ryan. He reminded me most of Kale. Same build, similar weight struggles. Even his voice sounded like him. One day, when he left a "hi mom" message on my cell phone, it made my heart leap, it sounded so much like Kale. Ryan was preparing himself to going the Army just like Kale. Similar reasons as Kale had to join, I think also of keeping his love and bond with Kale alive. I had given some of Kale's things out to the family or friends. To Ryan, he got some of Kale's nicer, newer jeans that he had worked hard to slim down enough to wear. When Ryan came into the house, I was preparing food, trying to keep myself busy and immersed on my family. He came up to me, "hi mom" sounding just like Kale, and wrapped me in a big bear hug, that felt just like Kale's. I glanced down, he was in Kale's jeans I gave him, and then I lost it. Sobbed right in Ryan's big ole teddy bear arms. Couldn't be strong anymore. I try not to put the burden on Ryan that he is my surrogate Kale, that I know and love him for himself. But at that moment, that was the closest thing I had to experiencing my sweet son again.
Next came Tiffany's birthday. My sweet oldest daughter, who struggles so much with life. I tried to help her have a nice birthday. She see's her siblings moving on with their lives in ways she just cannot manage and it is so hard on her. She misses brother so much.

Meg's birthday was the 9th of December. I think she had a good birthday party with her friends in spite of the pain we have been through. Megs is a ray of sunshine and loves to laugh. She lifts me up greatly.

Christmas. Kale's last Christmas with us, he kept it a secret that he was coming home. Dad kept it all to himself. It was a thrill when he walked through the door, happy to pull one over on us. That smirk all over his face. There would be no happy surprises like that ever again.I knew this Christmas was going to be very hard. I made a plan to try to help me get through that. I knew by serving others that would help fill the void of our loss. One family project we did was to hand out ELF bags "Everyone less fortunate." We made sacks, 23 of them to represent Kale's years, and filled it with socks, a capri sun, fruit cup, cookie, tuna & crackers, socks, and McDonald dollars in them in hopes for a small meal for someone hungry. We hit the streets, driving around, looking for someone we thought could use it. We prayed to be directed to the person needing this bag. It really felt good, and helped our family think of others.
I could not bear to set the tree up this year with the sentimental ornaments we usually use. A collection of all the kids. I tried, but crying, shut the box. I went to the store, bought new shinny gold and red decorations. The colors mean so much to me, but I wanted something to look at and not have more memory attached to it.
I put up a hero tree out on the patio though, in remembrance of all our military who serve. The price they and their families pay for others. Kale's boots are beside the tree, they are usually there by the side of the door before you come in the house.

One of the sweet goodness's I received was little crocheted angels that I began to receive daily for almost 2 weeks just prior to Christmas. Every day I got the mail, there would be a new one, from some sweet lady, throughout the US, showing her love for someone else. Angels at work.

As I review all that we went through in this year, no wonder I am tired. I have endured so much in one year! It has felt like a lifetime all jam packed into a small period of time. Through it all, my family, friends, but most of all, my faith in God, that not knowing the reasons why this happened, He sustains me through all of my life's challenges. I do not walk alone.