Who am I ? part 2

So we left off, I was a single momma. During this time, I really worked on me. Trying to heal, devastated, wondering how could I have not seen, not known. I never had imagined a father, or other trusted member could do those things to a child. The teaching at that time was "beware of the stranger", it was not beware of Uncle so and so, or someone you knew.  I wondered how I would ever chose better again for my little family, everything on the surface looked right. My friends in our circle would all say, "I wish my husband was more like Randy." He was always involved and so attentive. I had seen how some of the women in my counseling group had become so filled with hatred and embittered that would clearly poison anything good that might come into their lives. It would have been so much easier to deal with had it been a stranger, because the feelings of love that were there made it so much more complicated.
I dated some, not a lot, I would tell anyone straight up I was a mother with 3 children. Enough to chase off most men. I was really lonely and wanted a friend, those were so hard to find because most men would think you were just hunting for a new daddy. I looked at other families intact and wished so much to give that to my children. I hated seeing these happy families. I began to be okay with being on my own. Work, pick up the kids from daycare. Every time I would drop them off, I cried to work. Seeing these kids looking so sad, lonely with the other kids corralled like cattle. I swore to them, if I ever get the chance to do it differently,  I will not leave them there.

photo of Mark & I while dating, Feb 1988

I was going back to work again, medical treatments to help with the pain from my crash. Brian must have told his teacher we had no food though, because when I picked him up one day from preschool, there was food waiting for us to take home. We would go to my parents to eat if things were a bit tight. I had moved from Bellingham, down to Everett, Wa, instead of going to Utah like I had planned. I thought I would get into school there. With my parents in Everett, and it was winter, it just seemed best to be nearer to them.
I moved into the ward family in our church, where Mark's mother, was a president over the women's organization called Relief Society. I had lived in a town called Sedro Woolley in one of my high school moves and went to school with Mark's brother, Steven. That was my first contact with the Clay's. A few moves later, I had seen Mark up in Bellingham, he was living there also, and came to church one day, while I was a single mom with Tiffany. My heart lept at the sight of this tall handsome man, I was determined to find out more about him. Found out he was married. Bummer! I would dream about this guy, wrote about him in my journal, just couldn't get him out of my head. Tried to forget about him, then I had met Randy. Fast forward now to living in Everett, and because I could not work, my church was helping us out with food. There was a pick up in the parking lot that day with food, and who was there helping his mother out, but MARK!!! My heart raced with anticipation, seeing how the Lord would bring us together, as he had mentioned when we spoke that he too, was divorced. Hmmmm…. There was something about him that just felt right. He asked for my phone number and I waited more anxiously than I ever have by the phone, and waited and waited...
He didn't call, that's right, not at all. I was so disappointed and tried to forget him, thinking the fact I was a mom of 3 chased most guys off. I would go into the store he managed hoping to get a chance to see him "accidentally ". I figured if he had lost my number, his mother, as president, would have it. Months went by, and occasionally he would come to church. We would talk a moment, he would never say he lost my number as to why he didn't' call, so clearly that was not the problem. I just was crushed. I dared not be too forward, already feeling like a fool, I  risked everything, my pride, and asked if he would come to a Singles dance coming up that month. This was October. He said he would come, he tells me now, that because he was working so many hours that it was "I will TRY to be there." Whatever, I got ready that night so excited that FINALLY this would be it. I knew in my heart, it would just take one date. NO SHOW… CRUSHED… heart stomped on again. Okay, so now it is Dec. 1987 New Years Eve dance coming up and I asked his momma if she knew if he was busy and would he like to go with me. Yeah, trying to go the momma route. She however, knew he was in a situation with another girl, and was not "available". Dashed hopes again. As the New Year came in, it had felt like the heaviest weight was taken from me. I had gotten through the hardest year of my life, the divorce, problems with Randy, etc, and somehow felt hope for this New Year. During the month of January, I had felt this idea come to my head to write to this most stubborn man. It didn't make sense, I know, but I wrote what was in my heart, assuring him I just wanted friendship, nothing more. As soon as I realized what I had done, I tore it up. I am done being a fool for this guy. Clearly not interested, MOVE ON!  February came, and stronger came the idea to write him. This letter was written so quickly, I scarcley knew it was written, AND in the mail. I am at work, panicking how do I get that letter back??? He however says that when he got this letter, he picked it up and knew that this was what he had been praying for. He had finally come to a point in his life where he knew that he had to let go and ask God to show him a better life.  Mark says that he just didn't feel like I needed a messed up guy in my life. We go back and think how many things would have been different had he called me the first time. Yes, in some way, things would have been much easier, but that year gave me time to grow, heal and develop into who I needed to be.
He called me right not long after, I knew his voice, the second I heard it. That call lasted hours. We set up a date for Feb. 19th, that coming Friday. That was the longest work week for me, and I knew finally this was what I had been waiting for. I knew we belonged together. He picked me up, looking so handsome my heart nearly stopped beating. We went to a religion talk that night, didn't hear a word spoken, and then a dance after. We talked about the situation he was in, he was going to be a father, but had broken the relationship off with the woman. He had waited for so long to be a father, but now it was coming in a way that the relationship was just so wrong. He tried to convince himself he could marry her, but he knew it would only end in divorce.  It was just part of the package we both came with. We just knew that together, it felt so right and even though it didn't make sense to anyone who knew either of us, "she's got 3 kids…"  "he has a girl pregnant…"I knew he was the one meant for me. I felt God's spirit guiding me, time and time again I wanted to give up on waiting or hoping for him. When people ask us where did we meet, I answer "heaven".
My heart recognized something my brain could not understand. I was born in the same hospital he was, 6 years apart. Of all the places you could come to this world in, I was trying to track him down from the very start. It took awhile to catch up to him, but I am so glad God's hand brought us together. FINALLY.